Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals
by ilovetvalot
Summary: When Garcia decides to tutor Reid in the fine art of women, hilarity ensues at the county fair. Written as a pinch hit for Dealer's Choice Challenge on Chit Chat on Author's Corner forum. TWOSHOT
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: As you all know by now, we are in full swing on the Profiler's Choice Awards hosted on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner". And we'd like to offer an extra incentive to get those nominations rolling in. For the next five people to complete the nomination ballot in its entirety, I would be happy to write a oneshot of your pairing preference (hetero, slash or femslash, doesn't matter!). We have an abundance of incredible stories and authors to choose from this year and we have already received many wonderful nominations. Just to refresh your memory though, tonnie2001969 and myself (ilovetvalot) have removed ourselves from eligibility in the interest of avoiding all appearances of self-promotion. But, we want to make this an incredible experience for each one of you and give you a well-rounded final voting selection to choose from. So let's all put on our reading caps and pick our favorites! **

**Also, don't forget to sign up for our newest challenge at the forum. We're honoring Halloween with our first ever "Candy Land Challenge" and signups run through September 30th! Details are at the forum!**

**We also have a great new interview with another fellow CM author this week. Come and get to know THUNDERBRAT.**

**As always, guys, Happy Reading!**

* * *

**Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals**

_**Prompts: county fair, candy floss, and a cowboy hat**_

Striding into the BAU bullpen, Penelope Garcia's mission was clear: Abduct one Spencer Reid from his cluttered desk and prepare him for the date JJ had arranged for him the following night.

Easy peasy, right?

Emily and Morgan had both shaken their heads when she'd volunteered for the covert operation, saying it could never be accomplished successfully. Since she was never a chica that could turn her back on a worthy challenge, she'd thrown herself into the clandestine assignment with her typical zest.

Damn the torpedoes…full speed ahead!

She had it all worked out, she thought happily, a satisfied smile playing against her lips as she spotted her prey slumped over his desk, pouring over one of his research manuals.

"Calling Spencer Reid," she chirped happily, marching toward the poor unsuspecting man. She'd spotted her mark...and her prey looked alarmed.

"Garcia!" Reid started, his body jerking upright as he spotted the unique woman that good heartedly terrorized each member of their team on a rotating basis. Glancing around the almost empty bullpen, he added, cautiously, "I thought you'd left for the weekend."

"Oh, no, no, no, my sweet baby genius," Garcia shook her head. "I'm here to kidnap you," she said cheerfully.

"Kidnap me?" Reid echoed warily, his eyes narrowing on the entirely too enthusiastic face of their technical analyst. He had seen that look before….on maniacal serial killers before they took one last victim.

"Uh huh," Garcia confirmed. "You and I, sir, have a class to attend together. It's called Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals. You need to complete the course before your date tomorrow night."

"Uhmmm, Garcia," Reid began doubtfully, pushing his chair back as he attempted to place some distance between him and the woman who was obviously intent on terrorizing him.

"Uh uh uh," Garcia shook her head, wagging a finger underneath the profiler's nose, "No one says no to the Diva of Delight. Besides, you're lucky. I'm starting your class with a field trip. How many of my students can say that?" she asked.

"I have no idea," Reid murmured, beginning to realize that resistance was definitely futile.

"None! That's how many. Now, come on, grab your coat, slow poke," Garcia ordered, gesturing at the jacket Reid had draped over the back of his chair.

Slowly rising and sliding on the jacket, Reid shot Garcia a suspicious glance. "Where exactly are you taking me, Penelope?"

"You, my feckless friend, are taking me on a mock date in preparation for tomorrow night's festivities. The county fair is in town!" she informed him excitedly, bouncing on her heels in anticipation.

"A fair?" Reid grimaced, following Garcia onto the elevator reluctantly. "Garcia...," he whined.

"Lesson numero uno," Garcia stated, lifting one finger and pushing the down button on the elevator. "The chick always chooses the first date's location. And this chick," she grinned, winking at Reid, "chooses the county fair." Seeing Reid's less than enthusiastic face stiffen, she chided, "Relax, compadre, I'll even let you drive Esther tonight," she told him as the doors slid shut.

Half an hour later, Spencer Reid carefully navigated Penelope Garcia's behemoth of a vehicle into the overcrowded field that the fair had commandeered as a parking lot. "This place is packed," Reid breathed, looking around the milling hordes of fair goers. Swallowing hard, he began, "Are you sure this is what..."

"Rule Two, my clueless comrade, do not question your escort's reasons for her choice of dating destination. She might choose the location based on her comfort level, based on the recommendation of a friend, or in MY case," Penelope revealed, pressing a hand to her ample chest, "because she just freaking thinks fairs ROCK!"

"Ooookkkkayyy!" Reid muttered under his breath, pushing open the creaking car door and stepping out. He'd only made it a few steps away when he realized he was walking alone. "Penelope?" he called, turning and spying her sitting in her aged two door convertible, filing her nails. Double timing it back to the vehicle, he frowned in her open window.

"Rule Two," Pen recited patiently from her bucket seat, not looking up at the hapless genius, "always open your date's car door for her."

"Why?" Reid asked, confused as he stared down at Garcia's obviously capable hands. "As far as I know, any date I have would have would be in possession of four working limbs."

Sighing as she turned to face him, Penelope replied sweetly, "Because it's gentlemanly, Dr. Reid. Above all, a lady wishes to be in the company of a gentleman at all times." Pausing as she plucked her white cowboy hat from the back seat of the car, she amended, "Well, most times. She'll let you know when she doesn't want the gentleman anymore," she explained with a wink, perching the hat on her head jauntily as she stepped out into the open air. "Offer me your arm, Dr. Reid," she ordered patiently.

"For what?" Reid questioned, shaking his head in confusion as he stared down at his sleeve, wondering if there was something wrong with his choice of clothing.

"Because it's the gentlemanly thing to do," Garcia explained, grabbing Reid's arm with her hand and quickly linking their arms together. "It's also a delightful way of keeping your sweetheart close to you."

"But I don't have a sweetheart," Reid moaned as Penelope dragged him toward the ticket stand, the brightly colored displays already contributing to his growing headache.

"And you never will with that attitude," Garcia replied sternly. "Pay attention, my little chickadee, I'm imparting very prudent pearls of perception here. "If you want to make your gal feel special, you must treat her like she's special. Putting your arm around her is just an extension of that."

"Is this supposed to be so complicated?" Reid asked anxiously.

"Always," Garcia nodded, pulling his hesitant body along in her wake. "That's part of the fun!"

* * *

_**Author's Note 2 - Also guys, please don't forget that if you'd like to advertise the awards on your own profile pages or stories, there's a short blurb on my (ilovetvalot) and Tonnie's (tonnie2001969) profile page for you to copy and paste if you choose! Thanks again for reading!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: As you all know by now, we are in full swing on the Profiler's Choice Awards hosted on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner". And we'd like to offer an extra incentive to get those nominations rolling in. For the next five people to complete the nomination ballot in its entirety, I would be happy to write a oneshot of your pairing preference (hetero, slash or femslash, doesn't matter!). We have an abundance of incredible stories and authors to choose from this year and we have already received many wonderful nominations. Just to refresh your memory though, tonnie2001969 and myself (ilovetvalot) have removed ourselves from eligibility in the interest of avoiding all appearances of self-promotion. But, we want to make this an incredible experience for each one of you and give you a well-rounded final voting selection to choose from. So let's all put on our reading caps and pick our favorites! **

**Also, don't forget to sign up for our newest challenge at the forum. We're honoring Halloween with our first ever "Candy Land Challenge" and signups run through September 30th! Details are at the forum!**

**We also have a great new interview with another fellow CM author this week. Come and get to know THUNDERBRAT.**

**As always, guys, Happy Reading!**

* * *

**Penelope Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals**

**Chapter Two**

Walking down the noisy grassy aisle way, buffeted on either side by brightly lit games, Reid grimaced. "Garcia, I'm not really sure if this is..."

"Ohhhh, look, my, juicy Junior Mint," Garcia squealed, pointing up ahead as she bounced on her tip toes. "We're about to further your education into the rigors of dating right here!"

What do you mean?" Reid whined as Garcia snatched his arm and dragged him toward one of the brightly lit games.

"You, my white knight are going to win THAT teddy bear," she said, pointing to a bright orange teddy bear hanging on the display, "for your fair maiden."

Blinking rapidly, Reid looked down at Garcia in astonishment. "Garcia, you do realize that this is a shooting game, rigged so that even an expert marksman can't win."

"Guys don't whine," Garcia said tersely, shaking his slack arm determinedly. "Now, win me the prize, Dr. Reid."

"But..."

"Think of it as a medieval exercise, when the knights would joust for the fairest maiden in the land. That bear," she said, pointing again with an imperious finger, "is all that is standing between you and a spear through the heart."

Shaking his head, Reid suggested eagerly, "Why don't I just take you to Target and buy you two equally appealing stuffed animals. It's be easier...and cheaper."

"But where is the challenge in that? A gal wants to see her guy work for her affections, my pretty," Garcia replied, shaking her head in amazement at his lack of knowledge.

"This is ridiculous," Reid complained as the man running the game approached them with a wide smile. Yeah, Reid thought grimly, this man can spot a sucker at twenty paces, and evidently he had the very word tattooed on his forehead in neon letters.

"Well, hello there, Annie Oakley," the grizzled proprietor of the game greeted Penelope cheerfully, "what can I do for you and your beau today?"

Tipping her white cowboy hat at the man behind the counter, Penelope pointed at the orange bear hanging by a clothespin to the line above their heads. "My guy is gonna win me that bear. Can you help him with that?"

Nodding, the older man's eyes crinkled as he looked at the lanky young man standing nervously beside the brightly dressed woman. "Sure can. Three shots, sonny, for only five bucks. Hit the bullseye and win your pretty lady a prize," he explained handing over the small mock pistol as he pushed a button underneath the counter, rotating the targets.

"I'm supposed to hit the bullseye of a moving target?" Reid almost whimpered, forking over a five dollar bill as he gripped the toy gun tighter.

"It's a game of skill, son. Take your first shot," the elder man replied with a cunning smile, already imagining the income this encounter could generate.

And closing his eyes, Reid fired his first shot.

* * *

Fifty dollars poorer, Reid shoved Penelope Garcia's fuzzy orange bear into her arms. "There!" he panted, using the back of his hand to wipe the sweat from his brow. "I just want you to know that was harder than any Bureau qualification I ever had to comply with."

"Ah ah ah," Garcia chastised, walloping his arm with the newly-won prize. "Guys don't complain about winning their gal's affections."

"Do guys always pay fifty bucks for a foot long stuffed animal?" Reid asked grumpily, scuffing the worn grass with his loafer. "Good grief, this evening has already cost almost a hundred dollars and we haven't even eaten yet!"

"Rule Six," Garcia sighed, pursing her lips as she narrowed her eyes, "A guy never, ever, under penalty of death, complains about the cost of the date. Remember that for tomorrow night," she said, jabbing him in his chest with a pointed finger before turning toward the food booths. "But," she said brightly, taking in their options, "speaking of food, I'm hungry. Feed me."

Sighing heavily as he once again trudged after a determined Penelope Garcia, Reid wondered what new trouble the vibrant woman would find for him next.

* * *

He didn't have to wait long to find out. Half an hour later found him juggling Penelope's bear, now dubbed "Dr. Jekyll", and a big gulp drink of questionable contents as he stood beside her in front of the Tilt-a-whirl. "You want to what?" he asked loudly above the din of laughing children surrounding them. Honestly, didn't parents know how to control their offspring any more?

"I wanna go on that ride," she said, pointing toward the rapidly moving metal cars that seemed to be gaining in velocity.

Feeling his stomach roll, compliments of the greasy funnel cake and candy floss his "date" had shoved down his throat just watching the ride, Reid shook his head. "Pen, I don't know if that's such a good idea. It doesn't even look safe. I could quote you statistics on accident..."

"Listen, Gumdrop," Penelope interrupted, raising a silencing hand without bothering to look at him, "look around you. We're at a FAIR, Reid. And I absolutely refuse to leave until we partake in just one carnival delight," she said firmly, gesturing at the swirling machine.

"For the record," Reid replied darkly, following her through the metal gate and into the seat of the ride, "THIS is a very unwise decision," he shrieked as the door slammed and the ride jerked forward.

* * *

Well, she couldn't say that he didn't warn her, could she? Smoothing her hand in slow circles over his arched back as he braced his hands on his knees and took several deep breaths, Penelope Garcia frowned down at her soiled shoe, shaking it as delicately as possible. Frowning, she asked, lips pursed, "What the hell did you eat that was blue, Angelfish?"

"Sno-cone," Reid choked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he reminded himself that at least he was still alive. For a few moments on that physics-defying swirl of terror, he had been certain that his imminent existence was questionable. "I'm soooo sorry, Penelope," Reid murmured as he finally straightened and took a deep breath. "I'll buy you a new pair of shoes."

"You don't need to do that, SweetCheeks," Penelope said carelessly, shaking her head as she patted Reid's cheek. "I'm just sorry you got so sick! I always assume everybody has a cast iron stomach like me. My bad," she said meekly, peeking up at him through her eyelashes with doe eyes.

"Guess this means that I don't get to practice then end of mock date kiss with you, huh?" Reid joked as they slowly walked toward Garcia's parked car.

"As much as I love you, I'm going to say no," Garcia laughed, patting his arm consolingly. "But I will tell you that you passed Garcia's Guide to Guys and Gals class with flying colors."

"Really?" Reid snorted, glancing down at her with an arched brow. "I find that hard to believe."

"You get As across the board for effort," Garcia declared triumphantly, winking at her friend.

"Then would now be a good time to tell you that the date JJ set me up on fell through. Amanda called me this morning. It appears that she and her ex-boyfriend decided to reconcile."

"You're kidding!" Garcia replied incredulously, her eyes widening astronomically as she stared at the serious genius.

"Uh huh," Reid nodded, opening Garcia's car door without any prompting. "So, it appears that I'm free tomorrow night after all. Any chance you'd like to go on a mock second date with me and, perhaps, further my education a bit farther?"

"Well, Agent Assertive," Penelope enthused, her grin widening happily, "you never told me you had such smooth moves! You've been holding out on me. I'd love to."

Nodding happily, Reid jogged around the convertible and slid behind the wheel just in time for Garcia to say, "And if I remember correctly, the circus is in town tomorrow night!"

Oh, God!

_**Finis**_

* * *

_**Author's Note 2 - Also guys, please don't forget that if you'd like to advertise the awards on your own profile pages or stories, there's a short blurb on my (ilovetvalot) and Tonnie's (tonnie2001969) profile page for you to copy and paste if you choose! Thanks again for reading!**_


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